Do you remember how in The Parent Trap, while the
girls were at camp, they got sent to the isolation cabin, but that's where they
started to become friends and finally realized that they were twins? Well, I
have a feeling that God is attempting to do something similar with me this
summer.
I am working at a summer camp up in the mountains
and I feel very alone. I rarely have cell phone service, but even when I do, my
boyfriend is working at a different camp and is busy most of the time, one of
my closest friends is in Kenya, and one of my other closest friends has been in
Israel. On top of not being able to reach people back home, I worked here
before, however, I took a few years off and now I have come in knowing
essentially no one.
But because I worked here before, I know how people
act here, at the very beginning I began to fall back into the gossip and
cliques and really everything but love that tends to make up this place. After
a little while thought, I decided that I didn't want to fall into that again
this year.
As I began to work on loving people and being kind,
I found it to be much harder than I had anticipated. Had camp already changed
me back into the person I was three years ago? The girl who fell so easily into
these temptations? Surely not.
I began having small breakdowns nearly everyday
during which I would cry for a few minutes and then pull myself together and go
back out to face the world. I blamed these instances on missing my friends and
my boyfriend, but this just didn't seem like the kind of thing that would keep
me continually in this state for so long.
When I woke up at 1:00 this morning, I had a very
sudden realization of how alone I am, I had felt alone before tonight, but I
had made friends and I had people to hang out with, so why did I suddenly feel
so very isolated?
I started to put the pieces together and came to
the realization that I was alone in my attempt to change my role in the culture
I am living in. I have no one to talk to about how I wanted to change the way
I've been acting and the things that I would usually do to help with this
feeling like corporate worship and fellowship aren't options here.
In the midst of my heartache stood my Savior, He
said "you have been using so many things that are meant to reflect Me and
show My Glory in place of Me, so I have taken those things away from you for
now, and I am leading you to scripture, you are not going to always have a
group of people to help you when you struggle, but you should be coming to Me
first anyway. I am your Creator and I have made a plan for you, no one else
knows this plan, so you're going to need to start looking to Me first."
I have been
so cut off from the world and from other Christians and it has been really
difficult so far, but maybe as I realize what I need to do to help with this,
things will become easier as I fall on the Lord.
