I talked about how three songs had been my prayers to the Lord and over time they had turned from prayers to praises, because I had seen the Lord work. I've have some new songs that are speaking to me right now and I wanted to share and explain them.
The first is a song by The Collection called To Dust, I first heard about this song while one of the leaders on my trip to Boston was telling me about some of the music she listened to and why she liked it. She pretty much just said the whole last verse of this song to me while we were walking through the streets of Boston, and since then I have listened to it more than anything else. Sometimes I put it on repeat and just leave it for a couple of hours. There are several parts and pieces to this song, it's all really gorgeous and magnates to be beautifully poetic and fantastically candid at the same time.
"well I remember when You danced with me in the mud so ever frequently, and I didn't wash my feet for weeks for fear that the muddy healing would rub off"
I just relate to this line a lot, it makes me think of times when I've gone on mission trips and grow a ton with the Lord over a short period of time and it was never overly religious or strict and legalistic, it was like dancing in the mud with my Father as He explains how much He loves me and wants the bet for me.
"I used to no love You, but I changed my mind and if that happened once, could it happens, how many times can I 'still have faith'?"
This describe basically the way that I have been thinking for about six months now, thinking about my journey with the Lord and how I made a decision to follow Him but then sometimes looking at my life and seeing that I struggle to follow Him, and asking myself, "well i changed my mind to choose to follow Him, could I change it again to not follow Him?" which has kind of become a haunting question in my life this year, but is something that I'm working through.
But it's kind of answered in the next line
"but You are forever, and if we brave this weather, You go and walk across the water to keep me from drowning to the bottom"
This has been the thing that has brought me so much peace since January, it's not up to me, I made a choice, but I didn't save myself, He saved me, and I can't do anything to change that.
Now, the last verse of this song has just kind of been on my heart constantly since I first heard it in Boston in March.
"I was staring, looking back, out the keyhole of my door
You saw that I had seen you, and I fell to the floor
You were dancing with the children and loving all the broken
And I was too scared to come out
And then
you busted through my doorway and it seemed so very violent
But peaceful words came out and silenced all my silence
And I realized that the knowledge that I thought that I had known
Was nothing compared to you coming to my home"
The first few lines there are so how I looked at being a Christian before I actually became one, and how I, sinfully, sometimes still view it. I grew up almost bombarded with the gospel and the stories of the Bible, I had Christian parents, I went to church every Sunday and Wednesday, and I went to a Christian school, no part of my live was away from it all. But the way that I saw it was so distorted, and sometimes the way that I see it now is still distorted. I felt like I just wanted Christ around to make sure that I wasn't going to go to hell, and I felt like that whole like relationship thing was just how bad people became good people, how broken people became whole. But I didn't need that of course, I was a good girl, I wasn't broken, but of course I was, I would never have gone outside to be loved with the other broken ones because I didn't see myself as broken, and sometimes I still have trouble reminding myself that I am broken and in need of Christ. I feel sometimes like the pharisees that Jesus rebukes for being like a cup that they was on the outside so that it looks nice but leave the inside dirt covered and disgusting. I am seeing more of the inside of my broken and twisted heart this year as I've been given more freedom to pursue my own wants and desires which are so often incredibly sinful. But then I think to when Christ did burst in through my doorway and how I realized that all that I had thought that I had known about Him and what it meant to follow Him was nothing compared to actually being close to Him.
"And I could be content to forget everything I've known, and fall asleep right now, for good, before Your throne."
"And I could be content to forget everything I've known, and fall asleep right now, for good, before Your throne."
